How I Dealt With Relationships

If you’ve read my blog for 5 minutes you probably recognize the ease in which I jump in head first allowing myself to be all consumed by love and new relationships.

I think first with my heart (and probably my anus a little too, not gonna lie) and I land myself in some of the most sticky of situations.

No one is perfect.

No one ever will be.

This was one of the hardest things for me to realize.

I read about the relationships of others and I always wanted the happy, the perfect.

Guess what?

I’m quirky, I’m weird.

I need someone that doesn’t mind ending a sentence and having me immediately play a word association game based off of whatever they said. I need someone that appreciates my neurosis and believe me. I need someone that understands that when I’m hurt, or sad I’ll push you away but really, I probably want a hug. I want someone that has no problem with the fact that forever, this will never change. I laugh when people fart, I don’t think about the bad, I live in a perpetual state of “whatever, this is is awesome.”

Simple.
I need a simple kind of love.

My relationships have never fit a blog worthy mold. I don’t wind up posed perfectly on long benches with my love or standing beneath the shade of a tree…want to know why? Because I’ve typically fallen on the way there and I have skinned knees and stained clothes and I’m imperfect.

It took me a while, to realize I wasn’t fooling anyone and I wasn’t fooling myself. I can’t make my life something that it isn’t. It is damn good but my relationships have been BAD because I’ve chosen people so wrong for me. I’ve sacrificed myself a lot.

Hell I didn’t even know myself until recently.

For me I’ve found my relationships are starting to happen because I’m not expecting them to, because I’m not putting any expectations on anything. I’m living in the moment.

I’m living for each day, loving each day. When you allow yourself to forget what will or might happen and focus on what IS going on your life is peaceful.

My desire for more, the bigger picture, the finish line has always given me anxiety. I approached every relationship in the past as though “OH EM GEE THIS IS IT” only- that is so stupid. Maybe it is it, but you know what…I’m taking it fucking slow. I can love you with my entire heart and not rush the whole world.

I want to grow old happily, I don’t want to look back at these years and question one thing I did.

Relationships might not always last. Who I date now might not always be around but what I can say is that while I date them I want nothing but the best, most enjoyable experiences and memories.

Will I quit loving with my entire heart? NEVER. Will I quit wondering what comes next? Yes, because my life can’t be predicted so I just have to hop on the ride and enjoy.

My life has changed a lot lately my mental concepts and ideals have been completely altered. Paradigm shifts almost daily. But this spot, this spot approaching 25 has been the best. I’m old enough to understand my past mistakes and smart enough not to repeat them.

And life is better than good…
life is great.

An Odd Dream

07.25.10

I had a very strange dream last night.
It was so vague that I can barely remember the details of that dream.
But there were two very important scenarios that puzzled me.
The dream was set on a plateau, on the abandoned sugarcane mill, under which has a long river.

There were three or more lean dogs under the cashew trees on the plateau.
They looked like dogs only they grew much longer fangs; monstrous and horrible enough to resemble a Western werewolf.
These dogs were all staring angrily at me showing their wrongly formed fangs.
Their grotesque faces gave me a subconscious thinking to leap from the hill in order to escape from them.
As soon as I leaped, they were chasing after me.
Hurriedly, I managed to get hold of bamboo bits nailed in squares which I had used as shield to battle the striking paws and fangs of those mad dogs.

Then I found myself below the ash bank of the sugarcane mill, on the riverside, where logs and other stuff carried by the flood gathered in heap.
I was there collecting pairs of used yet still usable slippers and sandals.
Each good pair I find, I present to my mother who is standing above the ash bank

I'm wondering what this dream meant.
It's odd and it's driving me nuts.
If there's anyone out there who has been gifted to interpret dreams, I would be grateful if he can interpret my dream.
kindly write your interpretations under this post.

I Must Be Contained

I shouldn’t want things I can’t have.

That is how life goes.

This is a frustrating thing that I keep battling.

It isn’t jealousy…

It is more anger and upset and feeling “wronged”…

I’m ashamed that I even let myself not just be thankful for what I do have.
I have a lot to be thankful for.

Wait TilI I Get Over This

This morning forced me to do some serious self evaluation.

"What are you doing self?"

How have you let your anxiety get so bad, self?

You were doing pretty well…
now you’ve allowed too many stress-causing agents to creep in.

I need to rearrange a lot of things in my life. I have to put a lot of attention on my school and getting it out there.

I’m worried about my relationships as my anxiety is causing me to withdraw without even realizing it.

So, I need to shift my focus.

Its now or never..