I think first with my heart (and probably my anus a little too, not gonna lie) and I land myself in some of the most sticky of situations.
No one is perfect.
No one ever will be.
This was one of the hardest things for me to realize.
I read about the relationships of others and I always wanted the happy, the perfect.
I’m quirky, I’m weird.
I need someone that doesn’t mind ending a sentence and having me immediately play a word association game based off of whatever they said. I need someone that appreciates my neurosis and believe me. I need someone that understands that when I’m hurt, or sad I’ll push you away but really, I probably want a hug. I want someone that has no problem with the fact that forever, this will never change. I laugh when people fart, I don’t think about the bad, I live in a perpetual state of “whatever, this is is awesome.”
I need a simple kind of love.
My relationships have never fit a blog worthy mold. I don’t wind up posed perfectly on long benches with my love or standing beneath the shade of a tree…want to know why? Because I’ve typically fallen on the way there and I have skinned knees and stained clothes and I’m imperfect.
It took me a while, to realize I wasn’t fooling anyone and I wasn’t fooling myself. I can’t make my life something that it isn’t. It is damn good but my relationships have been BAD because I’ve chosen people so wrong for me. I’ve sacrificed myself a lot.
Hell I didn’t even know myself until recently.
For me I’ve found my relationships are starting to happen because I’m not expecting them to, because I’m not putting any expectations on anything. I’m living in the moment.
I’m living for each day, loving each day. When you allow yourself to forget what will or might happen and focus on what IS going on your life is peaceful.
My desire for more, the bigger picture, the finish line has always given me anxiety. I approached every relationship in the past as though “OH EM GEE THIS IS IT” only- that is so stupid. Maybe it is it, but you know what…I’m taking it fucking slow. I can love you with my entire heart and not rush the whole world.
I want to grow old happily, I don’t want to look back at these years and question one thing I did.
Relationships might not always last. Who I date now might not always be around but what I can say is that while I date them I want nothing but the best, most enjoyable experiences and memories.
Will I quit loving with my entire heart? NEVER. Will I quit wondering what comes next? Yes, because my life can’t be predicted so I just have to hop on the ride and enjoy.
My life has changed a lot lately my mental concepts and ideals have been completely altered. Paradigm shifts almost daily. But this spot, this spot approaching 25 has been the best. I’m old enough to understand my past mistakes and smart enough not to repeat them.
And life is better than good…
life is great.