07 December 2010
On Becoming a Teacher
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10 November 2010
Okay, Thanks. Bye!
Lemme clear that. I’ve seen you around here (cyberspace, on the wall in my bed room, on my TV) but I haven’t met you yet in person. Merlin's beard!
I fell in love with you and that's most certainly gross. Yeah, right! don't be surprised. I used to think you’re a cool guy, someone who's different. But after everything I did, i mean, after researching on you I really, really went crazy. I'm hurt. See, I'm hurt! Why? because I am dense.
I guess it ends tonight.Your subtleties just pisses me off. Sorry I stole your pictures last week. I always wanted to have them… to dream about.
Yeah, it ends tonight. I have to officially end it. I'll quit this before its gonna kill me emotionally. I have to get a life! I don't wanna dream about you anymore because the next dream about you would be my worst nightmare. Its stupid. Its the stupidest thing i made everyday.. dreaming about the person who doesn't even know I exist.
I’ve cried a lot because I'm becoming paranoid and I cant cry hard anymore. It's done. Its over. end of the story. Goodbye!
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19 September 2010
M U S I N G
In 20 years, I’ll look back at the boy sitting here with his
thick black hair,
ever changing passions and ideals,
the dreamer,
the friend,
the lover
and I won’t dislike him.
I don’t dislike the “me” from the past, I merely recognize I’ve grown above and beyond and I AM NOT defined by what people might have THOUGHT about me.
I joked before, regarding being always right. That was merely a joke. I learn on a daily basis. I value the opinions and ideals of others, but nothing will ever stop me from expressing my own.
Debate and discussion is not about making someone believe or stand for your ideals. It is about expressing them, so that someone could be more enlightened to “the other side of the story”. Being right is less important than being heard.
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08 September 2010
Moonshines
I thought people lie to hide a hurtful truth.
But it seems you lie to cause pain.
You lie to hurt me.
You know the truth would hurt me a lot less than all the lies you tell.
You know. You just don’t care. You love to lie, more than you love me.
You lie even if you have no reason to lie.
You lie even if I already know the truth.
You lie because you can. That hurts.
‘I would lie to you again’, you say.
The truth at last.
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04 August 2010
Gay Crushes on Straight People
But when there’s no reciprocation, when there’s such a gnawing, abject incompleteness, nobody could advise me. There’s a difference between unrequited love and impossible love. It is impossible for Dave to love me because I am a man. That impossibility is not a factor in most relationships.”
-from Richard Morgan best essay I have ever read about gays having crushes on straight men.
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02 August 2010
Out Of My System
I just don’t really think of him like I used to.
This month was the month it all fell apart.
Just now, as I thought of him it was more of an “oh yeah, he exists” and it happened only because of Facebook.
Then I realized, I just don’t think about him anymore.
He seems so far away in the grand scheme of things…like such a long ago imprinted on my heart that taught me everything a relationship should NEVER be.
I don’t miss him.
I don’t hate him.
I’ve just reached a place of indifference. A place where I recognize I’m good, and I’ll only get better.
hehe..
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28 July 2010
How I Dealt With Relationships
I think first with my heart (and probably my anus a little too, not gonna lie) and I land myself in some of the most sticky of situations.
No one is perfect.
No one ever will be.
This was one of the hardest things for me to realize.
I read about the relationships of others and I always wanted the happy, the perfect.
Guess what?
I’m quirky, I’m weird.
I need someone that doesn’t mind ending a sentence and having me immediately play a word association game based off of whatever they said. I need someone that appreciates my neurosis and believe me. I need someone that understands that when I’m hurt, or sad I’ll push you away but really, I probably want a hug. I want someone that has no problem with the fact that forever, this will never change. I laugh when people fart, I don’t think about the bad, I live in a perpetual state of “whatever, this is is awesome.”
Simple.
I need a simple kind of love.
My relationships have never fit a blog worthy mold. I don’t wind up posed perfectly on long benches with my love or standing beneath the shade of a tree…want to know why? Because I’ve typically fallen on the way there and I have skinned knees and stained clothes and I’m imperfect.
It took me a while, to realize I wasn’t fooling anyone and I wasn’t fooling myself. I can’t make my life something that it isn’t. It is damn good but my relationships have been BAD because I’ve chosen people so wrong for me. I’ve sacrificed myself a lot.
Hell I didn’t even know myself until recently.
For me I’ve found my relationships are starting to happen because I’m not expecting them to, because I’m not putting any expectations on anything. I’m living in the moment.
I’m living for each day, loving each day. When you allow yourself to forget what will or might happen and focus on what IS going on your life is peaceful.
My desire for more, the bigger picture, the finish line has always given me anxiety. I approached every relationship in the past as though “OH EM GEE THIS IS IT” only- that is so stupid. Maybe it is it, but you know what…I’m taking it fucking slow. I can love you with my entire heart and not rush the whole world.
I want to grow old happily, I don’t want to look back at these years and question one thing I did.
Relationships might not always last. Who I date now might not always be around but what I can say is that while I date them I want nothing but the best, most enjoyable experiences and memories.
Will I quit loving with my entire heart? NEVER. Will I quit wondering what comes next? Yes, because my life can’t be predicted so I just have to hop on the ride and enjoy.
My life has changed a lot lately my mental concepts and ideals have been completely altered. Paradigm shifts almost daily. But this spot, this spot approaching 25 has been the best. I’m old enough to understand my past mistakes and smart enough not to repeat them.
And life is better than good…
life is great.
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26 July 2010
An Odd Dream
I had a very strange dream last night.
It was so vague that I can barely remember the details of that dream.
But there were two very important scenarios that puzzled me.
The dream was set on a plateau, on the abandoned sugarcane mill, under which has a long river.
There were three or more lean dogs under the cashew trees on the plateau.
They looked like dogs only they grew much longer fangs; monstrous and horrible enough to resemble a Western werewolf.
These dogs were all staring angrily at me showing their wrongly formed fangs.
Their grotesque faces gave me a subconscious thinking to leap from the hill in order to escape from them.
As soon as I leaped, they were chasing after me.
Hurriedly, I managed to get hold of bamboo bits nailed in squares which I had used as shield to battle the striking paws and fangs of those mad dogs.
Then I found myself below the ash bank of the sugarcane mill, on the riverside, where logs and other stuff carried by the flood gathered in heap.
I was there collecting pairs of used yet still usable slippers and sandals.
Each good pair I find, I present to my mother who is standing above the ash bank
I'm wondering what this dream meant.
It's odd and it's driving me nuts.
If there's anyone out there who has been gifted to interpret dreams, I would be grateful if he can interpret my dream.
kindly write your interpretations under this post.
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20 July 2010
I Must Be Contained
That is how life goes.
This is a frustrating thing that I keep battling.
It isn’t jealousy…
It is more anger and upset and feeling “wronged”…
I’m ashamed that I even let myself not just be thankful for what I do have.
I have a lot to be thankful for.
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19 July 2010
Wait TilI I Get Over This
"What are you doing self?"
How have you let your anxiety get so bad, self?
You were doing pretty well…
now you’ve allowed too many stress-causing agents to creep in.
I need to rearrange a lot of things in my life. I have to put a lot of attention on my school and getting it out there.
I’m worried about my relationships as my anxiety is causing me to withdraw without even realizing it.
So, I need to shift my focus.
Its now or never..
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03 June 2010
Update
Wow. Its been quite a while since i posted something here.
I have never been too busy my whole life but I just thought of hibernating (in the summer!).. But really, I've been single for months now so there's no more cheesy and high drama stories to tell online.
So what's new? Hehe. Nothing much. I have stopped myself from being nocturnal but still I'm deprived of my social life. I was like playing Online/LAN games all day! I never thought I would involve myself in this stuff.
What else? Oh! I'm back to school. Yeah. It means no workplace to go to, no tasks to be completed every 15th day of the month. Geez! I'm getting so excited. This is fun!
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30 May 2010
Moving On
you found yourself deeply
in love with that person
then today
you find yourself
trying to forget what just happened
* sigh *
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