How I Dealt With Relationships

If you’ve read my blog for 5 minutes you probably recognize the ease in which I jump in head first allowing myself to be all consumed by love and new relationships.

I think first with my heart (and probably my anus a little too, not gonna lie) and I land myself in some of the most sticky of situations.

No one is perfect.

No one ever will be.

This was one of the hardest things for me to realize.

I read about the relationships of others and I always wanted the happy, the perfect.

Guess what?

I’m quirky, I’m weird.

I need someone that doesn’t mind ending a sentence and having me immediately play a word association game based off of whatever they said. I need someone that appreciates my neurosis and believe me. I need someone that understands that when I’m hurt, or sad I’ll push you away but really, I probably want a hug. I want someone that has no problem with the fact that forever, this will never change. I laugh when people fart, I don’t think about the bad, I live in a perpetual state of “whatever, this is is awesome.”

Simple.
I need a simple kind of love.

My relationships have never fit a blog worthy mold. I don’t wind up posed perfectly on long benches with my love or standing beneath the shade of a tree…want to know why? Because I’ve typically fallen on the way there and I have skinned knees and stained clothes and I’m imperfect.

It took me a while, to realize I wasn’t fooling anyone and I wasn’t fooling myself. I can’t make my life something that it isn’t. It is damn good but my relationships have been BAD because I’ve chosen people so wrong for me. I’ve sacrificed myself a lot.

Hell I didn’t even know myself until recently.

For me I’ve found my relationships are starting to happen because I’m not expecting them to, because I’m not putting any expectations on anything. I’m living in the moment.

I’m living for each day, loving each day. When you allow yourself to forget what will or might happen and focus on what IS going on your life is peaceful.

My desire for more, the bigger picture, the finish line has always given me anxiety. I approached every relationship in the past as though “OH EM GEE THIS IS IT” only- that is so stupid. Maybe it is it, but you know what…I’m taking it fucking slow. I can love you with my entire heart and not rush the whole world.

I want to grow old happily, I don’t want to look back at these years and question one thing I did.

Relationships might not always last. Who I date now might not always be around but what I can say is that while I date them I want nothing but the best, most enjoyable experiences and memories.

Will I quit loving with my entire heart? NEVER. Will I quit wondering what comes next? Yes, because my life can’t be predicted so I just have to hop on the ride and enjoy.

My life has changed a lot lately my mental concepts and ideals have been completely altered. Paradigm shifts almost daily. But this spot, this spot approaching 25 has been the best. I’m old enough to understand my past mistakes and smart enough not to repeat them.

And life is better than good…
life is great.

An Odd Dream

07.25.10

I had a very strange dream last night.
It was so vague that I can barely remember the details of that dream.
But there were two very important scenarios that puzzled me.
The dream was set on a plateau, on the abandoned sugarcane mill, under which has a long river.

There were three or more lean dogs under the cashew trees on the plateau.
They looked like dogs only they grew much longer fangs; monstrous and horrible enough to resemble a Western werewolf.
These dogs were all staring angrily at me showing their wrongly formed fangs.
Their grotesque faces gave me a subconscious thinking to leap from the hill in order to escape from them.
As soon as I leaped, they were chasing after me.
Hurriedly, I managed to get hold of bamboo bits nailed in squares which I had used as shield to battle the striking paws and fangs of those mad dogs.

Then I found myself below the ash bank of the sugarcane mill, on the riverside, where logs and other stuff carried by the flood gathered in heap.
I was there collecting pairs of used yet still usable slippers and sandals.
Each good pair I find, I present to my mother who is standing above the ash bank

I'm wondering what this dream meant.
It's odd and it's driving me nuts.
If there's anyone out there who has been gifted to interpret dreams, I would be grateful if he can interpret my dream.
kindly write your interpretations under this post.

I Must Be Contained

I shouldn’t want things I can’t have.

That is how life goes.

This is a frustrating thing that I keep battling.

It isn’t jealousy…

It is more anger and upset and feeling “wronged”…

I’m ashamed that I even let myself not just be thankful for what I do have.
I have a lot to be thankful for.

Wait TilI I Get Over This

This morning forced me to do some serious self evaluation.

"What are you doing self?"

How have you let your anxiety get so bad, self?

You were doing pretty well…
now you’ve allowed too many stress-causing agents to creep in.

I need to rearrange a lot of things in my life. I have to put a lot of attention on my school and getting it out there.

I’m worried about my relationships as my anxiety is causing me to withdraw without even realizing it.

So, I need to shift my focus.

Its now or never..

Update

Hello.
Wow. Its been quite a while since i posted something here.
I have never been too busy my whole life but I just thought of hibernating (in the summer!).. But really, I've been single for months now so there's no more cheesy and high drama stories to tell online.
So what's new? Hehe. Nothing much. I have stopped myself from being nocturnal but still I'm deprived of my social life. I was like playing Online/LAN games all day! I never thought I would involve myself in this stuff.
What else? Oh! I'm back to school. Yeah. It means no workplace to go to, no tasks to be completed every 15th day of the month. Geez! I'm getting so excited. This is fun!

Moving On

It's funny to think that yesterday
you found yourself deeply
in love with that person


then today
you find yourself
trying to forget what just happened


* sigh *

Yanggaw (2008)

Yanggaw is a horror/suspense/drama film written and directed by Richard Somes. The dramatic storyline of this film is simply prolonged by the struggle of one family trying to defend a member of their kin who became a problem, prodigal and worse, a monster. I have seen a lot of movies like this, the aswang themes but this one is way different. This movie projects a point of view revolving on the drastic events upon the monster's own family. We used to see aswang movies and we would always conclude that they're harmful monsters and they should be feared, and we should get rid of them if one is immersing in our community. But this film was able to bring out the picture wherein we can instantly alter our perception about these monsters.  It shows how the monster suffer from this kind of infection. How she felt sick about it. How she wished she never became a monster who feed on human innards and blood and whatsoever. How she begged for death until her father has to decide to slaughter her for the sake of the town that has been piled up with corpses. This is not an aswang movie that you can see a monster transforming into a fiery animal. This one simply shows a monster with a hair in warlike disarray and fangs drenched in blood.




Yanggaw is a comparison to our society. The Filipino family has remained intact amidst problems. This one is a good example to that. The story is actually a metaphor to a family member having an addiction that affects the whole family making that member unwanted already. And the natural familial reaction takes place, whatever happens to a member there is still acceptance from the whole family.

 Yanggaw is definitely a new take on our local films. It has made me realize how shameful and rotten are Shake Rattle and Roll movies. Most horror films we have are inspired by The Ring. This film is extraordinary even if it is obviously low budgeted. The film hasn't used any computer generated visual effects. Richard Somes has succeeded to use the eerie atmosphere and it is effectively creepy. The twilight scenes gave me goosebumps-- frightening movements of leaves and the growl of the monster.

Multi-awarded stars like Ronnie Lazaro, Joel Torre, Tetchie Agbayani and breakthrough performance of Aleera Montalla tongue-tied me for having been so at ease with the hiligaynon dialect. The soft-spoken quality of the dialect has made the movie more genuine.

Im just hoping that our local film-makers can make more movies like this, a film that succeeds to define a myth not influenced by the Western flicks like vampires or zombies. This is originally a Filipino myth. Yes, this is a myth that is so bothersome when i was a kid. My granny used to tell me stories like this just to threaten me not to leave the house when twilight arrives. Yanggaw is what i proudly believe one of the finest breakthrough in the changing picture of the contemporary Philippine cinema.

Change for the Better

I’ve always thought that I could trust one specific individual…
hell, a group of individuals…
Today, I discovered that I am completely wrong.
Elimination is the only possible scenario.
Basically- expect a shit ton of changes around here.
Some of them are hard, most of them are harder than that.
I think that's life.

So, I’m hanging on, and doing all I can to push through.
I can look back on 1,000,000 instances in which I believed that nothing worse could happen.
This too shall pass- I have brilliant ideas, a great personality, and I will move on.
Soon, I’ll look back and this will be a non issue.

This is growing up.

My Fairytale :P

Since I was a kid, I’ve known I’d live a fairy tale life. A life full of smiles, and laughter, forehead kisses, late night talks, butterflies in my stomach, and falling in love, love which is so deep and intense and real that it’d be my safe harbor, and calm after a storm.

Everyone describes “that moment”, the one in which an individual reaches in, and touches your soul and you know that life couldn’t have landed you in a better place at a better time. You know, without a doubt that things are right.

I don’t typically tend to easily open my doors and let others in. I keep my distance…I hate being hurt. I am scared to get close.

I was never one to like the thought of “always” or “the one”, or “forever” but perfection exists right before me. When you touch me, I have weak knees and butterflies. When you look at me the way you do- I feel that I  could never be happier, more comfortable, or better protected.
All it takes is your arm on the small of my back. Or for you to brush by me, or stand close. You’ve made something complete.

I don’t need things.
I don’t want things.

I want love: I want a big love, with honor, and trust, and devotions.
I want a love that means we can call each other nicknames and still hold one another close.
I want to spend my cold nights snuggling to keep warm.
I want to make you smile, I want to be all you need.
I think you’re finally my fairy tale, all things happen for a  reason.

When I think about my future it includes you, it feels right, and  I cannot wait.
Each day from here on out I believe our story will begin to write itself.
“Ours” is a word not to be used casually. Our lives, our hopes, our fears, our dreams, our relationship…
“Ours” will now mean something.
“Ours” is the joining of our lives in ways we feel comfortable, they’ll be small at first, but they’ll grow…
This person belongs with me…
Why has God placed someone so perfect in my life?
Why do I feel so comfortable discussing the future with this person?
Why does it feel so right, so natural, so real?

I’m scared to death, because it has all happened, but I think that's how you know its for real…
A lot of people settle, they settle because they’ve been with someone for “x” number of years…”the one” shouldn’t grow on you, you know it from the start…
I’m going to go ahead and go out on a limb here and say that I’m not going to let fear stop me or slow me down.

Fear exists in everything…I was scared to fly- but I did it, scared to drive, but I can…scared to love, but I have, and I’m alive…
There isn’t one thing that I don’t feel comfortable sharing with him.
There isn’t one part of my soul I wouldn’t bare this instant if he were to ask.
This is me, take me, or leave me…
But I think eventually I’ll be a much better person because he has touched me.
I think i’ve found my fairy tale.

Never Failed to Amuse Me

Having an encounter with someone who is stoned, trying to act like they’re not stoned, and thinks that I’m falling for it.

This dude ,who used to be a neighbor for some weeks since I moved in , comes up to me at the flat's corridor and asks if he can get some cash by fixing the car tent.. I wanted to just laugh at his face. He was trying to act so legit and it was so funny. At least, get some Visine! Your eyes are freaking swollen red!

For anyone who smokes weed and thinks they do a good job of hiding it, you don’t. We all know.

If no one says anything, it’s probably just because they don’t want to bother. Or if you’re young and your parents haven’t said anything and you’ve been stoned in their presence, they either just don’t care or are too in denial to accept the possibility.

I’m not coming down on people who smoke weed. I did occasionally back in high school. I just think it’s hilarious when they think people are oblivious of it.

Before you can grow up, you must fall in love 3 times.

Before you can grow up, you must fall in love 3 times.
Once you must fall in love with your best friend, ruining your friendship forever. This will teach you who your true friends are, and the fine line between friendship and more.

Once you must fall in love with someone you believe to be perfect. You will learn that no one is perfect, and that you should never be treated as any less than you deserve.

And once you must fall in love with someone that is exactly like you. This will teach you about who you are, and who you want to be.

And when you’re through with all that, you learn that the people who care about you the most are the ones that you hurt, and the ones that hurt you are the ones that you needed the most.

But most of all, you learn that love is only a concept and is not something that can be defined, it is different to each person that experiences it. And you will learn to respect each and every person on this earth, knowing that everyone only wants to be loved.

Got it from here:
Languid Manners

LSS. What?!

21 GUNS

Green Day

Do you know what's worth fighting for,
When it's not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath away
And you feel yourself suffocating?
Does the pain weigh out the pride?
And you look for a place to hide?
Did someone break your heart inside?
You're in ruins.
One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky,
You and I
When you're at the end of the road
And you lost all sense of control
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul
Your faith walks on broken glass
And the hangover doesn't pass
Nothing's ever built to last
You're in ruins.
One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky,
You and I
Did you try to live on your own
When you burned down the house and home?
Did you stand too close to the fire?
Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone
When it's time to live and let die
And you can't get another try
Something inside this heart has died
You're in ruins.
One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky,
You and I

This is probably the best song Green Day has ever made. I love the message that the song conveys. Its heart-pounding/wrenching ever.  I love Billy Joe! i crush him, i heart him. Last Song Syndrome for me. Uhummmmmmmm.

Its Not Me, Its You!

I know you'll be goin' to read this.
Yeah, you pretty follow me wherever i go. You should get yourself
a car so you can keep up LOL. Oh, i forgot you have your skeletal bike.
Well, eat my dust.

Right now, my mind is gone. I mean its spinning round. Yeah, i dunno what's with the gross reddish brown color on my hair that makes it shine under teh sun. See? Im crazy.
I dunno WTH on earth i am saying now.
I bet you feel the same. how are you? did you try teh pick up line i've made for you?
did it work for her?
Pathetic.

You think i wouldn't be hurt when you told me you're dating a bitch?
You have too much ego, way too big for you and i want to perforate it like a balloon full of hot air. You're crazy.

Let me go.
I'm tired.
Im sick.

Don't call me Bibi. Call me Fonzi, like teh way you used to call me after
the night we met inside the bathroom in high school.

Alright.
Thanks for e'rything.
Buh-bye.
XOXO.

Constantly Fighting

I know its normal for lovers to have fights sometime. But if you fight over things that aren't really worth your while to even argue about, its pretty annoying. Last Wednesday we quarreled on text. I don't think we really fought, its just that i was kidding when he was serious, so he's kinda melancholic about it haha.

him: hi bibi how's u?
me: eto oki lng, watching news on tv  ^_^
him: inuman kmi ng tropa ko. sori cant go home early. aylabyu! :)
me: enjoy yourselves. aylabme too. XD
him: aylabyu. jan ka lng i shall return ok
me: yah, aylabme too. hehehe
him: wtf. siling k0 iluvu. an0ng i love me t0o man?
me: i love myself plus you love me. i soo like myself, Geeez! aheckz.
him: litse! telme kng galit ka. uwi na lng aq.
me: thanks ha.. feel ko ang swerte swerte ko tlga cuz u said u love me. i love me too. haha!
(He didn't reply)
me: oh wat it do bibi tahykz. nalunod ka na ba xa redhorz? tgal muh makreply ahhh
him: kainis ka kc iba na nirereply mo kass e.
me: whats wrong ba sa reply ko? arte mo ha
him: iluvu too lng gusto ko nga reply mo. ngaa lain na ya gnatext mo haw?
me: hay naku bolero numero uno ka.
him: d kta bnobola syet. anu ba tlga nraramdaman mo?
me: mahal kita. ang tanong: ako mahal mo ba?
him: tnatanong mo pa yan kass? nagdehydrate na ko sa kakasabi ng aylabyu sau ah!
me: uber ka. di ako nkkpagbiruan sau
him: lalo na ako. kass im siryus. ano ba sa tingin mo nararamdaman ko sau?
me: i dunno! matulog na ko. wag mo ko storbohin sa couch ka matulog bye!
him: (cry emoticon)

He wasn't able to go home that night. I tried to contact him but his phone was sort of turned off. i dunno...
I didn't go to work the next day. I waited for him to come home.
Finally, he showed up before dinner.God, he looked so unclean. He was wearing the same clothes he wore the time he left.
He sat on the couch, turned on the TV set. He was so quiet. He dropped the remote control on the table.

He stood up and went to the kitchen. I heard a shattering sound. Darn, he broke the water glass.

I walked, took a step at a time. At first, 'twas so easy for me but as i go on, i found myself fidgeting with my glasses as i move closer to him. I got clumsy, i felt awkward as i catch a glimpse of his dangerously stabbing looks. I felt like the ground that I'm walking on gets mutable. At first it was so rough that friction has helped me balance my steps then suddenly it became slippery and I'm trying to get a way out of it. Feels like I'm gonna stumble and fall from emotions i cant explain. (OA masyado) 

We have lived together for like almost two years already. He's a very great guy for me, at least. And i think i am so lucky to have him in my life. Just remembering the days back in high school, he was just a dream that is so impossible for me to reach. Now that i have him and he's all mine, seems like the good Lord has given me the best treat of my life.
 

But lately we often argue about nonsensical things. We often fight about DOTA, his vices, his shyness.. i understand that he cant brag about this relationship. i know this has to be always hidden.. i already know where to place myself. It just came to the point that i got tired and sick of away-bati, fighting over the tiniest things. Feels like anything i do is a mistake and feels like im not appreciated. Sometimes I think we're done arguing but later on I'll find myself throwing objects upon him cause he just wont shut up.
 
Everyday isn't so wonderful without our battles and arguments. Sometimes i just don't wanna talk anymore 'cause i know we will just argue again but still we end up arguing 'cause im not saying anything!
 

Hay naku. I really, really dunno what to do. Nakakaloka!

Super Duper Cheesy

i have just deleted my old Plurk account. i also deactivated my old Facebook account.
i know this is sooo wrong. but i love him, im sorry. i'll do whatever he suggests me to do.
he deleted his. so i deleted mine as he suggested. Fair enough.
i lost contacts with some friends.
but its okay, he's here. and we're okay, finally....

Thanks to some friends who were just around the corner.
And to some friends who might be islands apart, yet they're always
there for me to console me when im lonesome.

i've been feeling sooo empty these couple of weeks back.
i feel so emotionally devastated and i went nuts!
but thanks, i've been through it already.
i thought im losing him but i've been firm.
i still have him.
and probably, we'll be together
till the feeling gets weak
and the love expires..
Goodluck to me, LOL.