My Fairytale :P

Since I was a kid, I’ve known I’d live a fairy tale life. A life full of smiles, and laughter, forehead kisses, late night talks, butterflies in my stomach, and falling in love, love which is so deep and intense and real that it’d be my safe harbor, and calm after a storm.

Everyone describes “that moment”, the one in which an individual reaches in, and touches your soul and you know that life couldn’t have landed you in a better place at a better time. You know, without a doubt that things are right.

I don’t typically tend to easily open my doors and let others in. I keep my distance…I hate being hurt. I am scared to get close.

I was never one to like the thought of “always” or “the one”, or “forever” but perfection exists right before me. When you touch me, I have weak knees and butterflies. When you look at me the way you do- I feel that I  could never be happier, more comfortable, or better protected.
All it takes is your arm on the small of my back. Or for you to brush by me, or stand close. You’ve made something complete.

I don’t need things.
I don’t want things.

I want love: I want a big love, with honor, and trust, and devotions.
I want a love that means we can call each other nicknames and still hold one another close.
I want to spend my cold nights snuggling to keep warm.
I want to make you smile, I want to be all you need.
I think you’re finally my fairy tale, all things happen for a  reason.

When I think about my future it includes you, it feels right, and  I cannot wait.
Each day from here on out I believe our story will begin to write itself.
“Ours” is a word not to be used casually. Our lives, our hopes, our fears, our dreams, our relationship…
“Ours” will now mean something.
“Ours” is the joining of our lives in ways we feel comfortable, they’ll be small at first, but they’ll grow…
This person belongs with me…
Why has God placed someone so perfect in my life?
Why do I feel so comfortable discussing the future with this person?
Why does it feel so right, so natural, so real?

I’m scared to death, because it has all happened, but I think that's how you know its for real…
A lot of people settle, they settle because they’ve been with someone for “x” number of years…”the one” shouldn’t grow on you, you know it from the start…
I’m going to go ahead and go out on a limb here and say that I’m not going to let fear stop me or slow me down.

Fear exists in everything…I was scared to fly- but I did it, scared to drive, but I can…scared to love, but I have, and I’m alive…
There isn’t one thing that I don’t feel comfortable sharing with him.
There isn’t one part of my soul I wouldn’t bare this instant if he were to ask.
This is me, take me, or leave me…
But I think eventually I’ll be a much better person because he has touched me.
I think i’ve found my fairy tale.

Once There Was A Night

Something weird happened last night. Yeah, weird. I rarely see him cry. He's a tough guy. He doesn't appreciate the word "TEARS". You cant hurt him 'cause if you do, you'll end up in the hospital just when your nose is squirting of blood.

Okay, 'twas like 2 in the midnight. He just arrived from a fraternity assembly and again, he's drunk. He's always drunk. He's alcoholic. I hate him for that. But i can do nothing. I've been insinuating him to stop drinking liquors for years now.  I'm staring at him, he's so thin. I've been suspecting that he's taking any prohibited drugs lately. But i cant find a way to discover any substantial proof to prove my suspicion. He's secretive. He still has secrets he wasn't able to confide. Its been so long that we had been together and everyday there's something new about him. Something that amazes me.

I'm set to leave Manila 11am Sunday before lunch. This is whole week plan and he agreed to that. He knows the reason. I got a family problem and i am needed to be home. So yes, he lemme get my plane ticket and even encouraged me to apply for a two-week Leave of Absence from work. I did. two-weeks must be too long. But he said, i need rest. I need two-weeks in order to be replenished. that was sweet.

So here's what happened. I'm talking to an online buddy in the Yahoo Chatroom. I get to talk to this guy like every night. So its just sooo normal that night. Now my guy is tellin' me some stuff that are so vague.

Him: Will you shut it off? I need you here.

Me: hunny lay down there okay. matulog ka na.
Him: Let's talk. Kausapin mo ko. Wag mong kausapin ang iba. dimo naman yan
kakilala!
Me: Talk about what? lagi naman tau nag-uusap ah.

Silence. After five minutes, i heard him sobbing.  I looked back.. i know he's crying. I dunno why. I want to ask him. i cant say a word. I cant even move. I want to hug him but i cant walk near him. I was staring at him for twenty minutes. He's still sobbing. i approached him at last.

Me: Hunny what's wrong?
Him: (sobbing)
Me: Anong drama na naman toh? Pede ba wag ka na mag-inarte. Di bagay sau.
Him: (wiping his tears)
Me: You want to say something?
Him: (Looking up at the ceiling).
Me: (Looked up at the ceiling as well. I see two lizards. Love lizards maybe.)
Him: Its odd that we are together 24 hours a day but we rarely get to talk. You are
so close yet  it seems like you're miles away .
Me: kumakanta ka ba?
Him: Im serious.  I know wala akong kwentang kakwentuhan. But sometimes i need
somebody to listen to my twaddle. I feel so alone. sometimes i think, are we still
together? Is it just all about sex? No i dont like the idea. Kelan pa ba tau nagsimula. I
lost count na nga e. We've been thru everything di ba. You're there while im here
and we still feel each other. Bakit ba ayoko makipag-split. Bakit ba ayoko
makipaghiwalay. Kaya ko naman e. Kayang-kaya ko. Kaso nasanay na ata ako sa
ganito. Pag nag-split tau baka ma-shock ako (smiles). Baka sa sobrang shock ko
magka-nervous breakdown ako (he laughed). Sabi ko kaya ko di ba. Mali ata ako.
Nakakainis. Kung ginayuma mo ko sana ibigay mo na saken yong antidote. Kasi
nao-overdose na ako sa gayuma mo e.

Silence.
I dunno what to say. This is weird. He cant be serious. he never was. But he cried. He must not be making some high drama...

I felt like I cant breathe..

My chest is aching..

felt like something in it is crushed..

I ended up crying as well.

I remember what a blogger friend, Cap Limau, has told me: "Sometimes you need to talk so you'll know what makes him hurt. And so he'll know what makes you hurt."
Indeed, we need to talk. We need communication. we are so close yet it seems like we are so far from each other.